Wow, this is going to be hard, was my first thought. It's a Sunday and I work. This is the day of the week when most of my job requires greeting and socializing with others. OK, I'll give it a try. Just recently the folks from the weekend spiritual retreat reported about how hard it was to be silent for 5 hours. Can I do it an entire day? How do I not offend people? They'll think I'm ignoring or snubbing them.
I wrote out and wore a name tag sticker that said:
"Vow of Silence Today. Please don't take offense. Thanks."
My walk to work was fine. I didn't pass too many people. A smile and nod seems to satisfy most strangers.
The weird thing was, for some reason, knowing I couldn't speak set my inner voice on disjointed, rambling full volume. Everything I saw became an inner spoken thought plus I couldn't get the song Royals out of my mind. My walk went something like this:
Pushing the crosswalk button. Ok, how long is it going to take. Let me be your ruler..ruler. You can call me queen bee. And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule. Walk now. Hurry, cross there's a car behind me. I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule. Let me live that fantasy. Hmm. My hands are sweaty in my pockets. I'll take them out. Nope too cold. And we'll never be royals. It don't run in our blood. That kind of luxe just ain't for us. Oh damn, since I've been walking with my hands in my pockets my UP band isn't recording my steps. I better take my hands out and swing my arms. We crave a different kind of buzz. Let me be your ruler..ruler. You can call me queen bee. Oh the sun feels so nice on my face. And we'll never be royals. Here comes a jogger, better scoot over. Which way is he going to go? I'll scoot left. Let me be your ruler, you can call me Queen Bee. And baby I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule...Let me live that fantasy.
Argh. Shut up brain!
Among my many thoughts was something a little profound. Is it possible to think without words? I mean, once we master language, is it possible to have thoughts or feelings without articulating them into words in our mind? Can I feel and glory in the warm sun on my face without those thoughts becoming words whether spoken or not? "Mmm, that sun feels so good." Can our body and mind simply register positive sensations as good? It kind of goes back to yesterday's challenge. Can we really "just be"?
Not surprisingly my work colleagues found humor in my day's challenge. My boss/minister seemed to take perverse pleasure in it and conversed with me even more than usual.
I spent a lot of time hiding out. It was just easier avoiding people and situations in which talking would be expected.
I carried scraps of paper and a pen in my pocket. I premade a few notes. "Ha, Ha, very funny" for the wise asses who got such a kick out of my predicament. "Follow me" for church members/visitors I needed to help. And "Personal Challenge...from a friend" for people who asked me why I was being silent. And my favorite, "I love you,' which came in most handy.
I did much better on this challenge than yesterday's challenge and than I expected. I was doing great. Oh sure, it was a bit awkward not speaking but I was committed and focused. Then, of all things, I leaned over and muttered to Terri some comment under my breath during our church's town hall meeting. Damn, I thought. But I wasn't going to throw in the towel because of one small indiscretion. OK, so I made it 6 hours and 37 minutes without a word. I'll keep going.
My family had lunch together at home, we folded tons of laundry together, Terri and I worked on a craft project together. Not a word from me. I'm definitely brushing up on my charades skills and facial expressions. My daughter Maya took even more perverse pleasure in my challenge. She called it her best day ever and kept trying to trick me into talking. That's my girl.
Before dinner I was putzing around in our crowded and disorganized garage. Stepping over a bucket, around a bike, and through the furniture dolly, I pulled a can of paint off the shelf. When I turned around to reverse the maneuver, I caught my foot on something and started to go down. I turned toward the left, bracing my fall with my left hand and hip. Unfortunately, my left hip also bumped bike #1 on the way down. Our bikes are lined up like dominoes, so when bike #1 fell, down they all went...#1, #2, #3 then the electric scooter. "Dammit!" I blurted out as I hit the ground. Oh, double dammit, I just talked again. This time I only made it 4 1/2 hours. Argh. I was more upset about speaking than my sore butt.
Still, I was not going to give up. I went right back to my vow of silence the rest of the evening then through dinner. The waitress must've found it odd, me bobbing my head up and down and scribbling notes frantically on scraps of paper, Terri ordering for me. Whatever, a challenge is a challenge.
Terri was being especially chatty and asking me questions she knew I couldn't answer. Or did my silence just make it seem that she was more verbose? Frankly, my vow of silence made me so hypersensitive to conversation that I wanted complete silence from everyone. It felt like everyone was talking way too much. Is that what we all do? Fill in the silence for no good reason?
Well, as I was writing this blog, Terri's phone sitting next to me in the kitchen began to ring. I could see it was her mother and hear Terri running from across the house. "It's your mom," I shouted. Terri ran in, grabbed the phone from me then looked at me alarmed, "Why are you talking?" Oh damn, I did it again. Only 3 hours this time.
OK, maybe I just need to go to bed now so I can make it the next 4 hours of today without talking.
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