Day 30: Select 12 random acts to do over the next year

Challenge Day 30: Go to http://www.pinterest.com/ourfamily07/random-acts-ideas/ and make a list of 12 items to do once a month over the next year.

I love that this challenge won't be completely over on my birthday and will be the gift that keeps on giving.

So I go to the pinterest page. Wow, there are lots of photos of very inspirational ideas. I found some great ideas. Many ideas are things one doesn't really plan in advance. They are truly random - a situation arises and you just spontaneously perform a kind act. I love the woman who saw the harried parents with a new baby and paid for their meal. Many of the pinterest site ideas are photos without explanations. So I sought out some other resources.

I found some other websites too.

http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/kindness-ideas?page=3
http://www.therandomact.org/

Here is a list of 12 things I plan to do over the next year.

Pay someone's tab
Clean up trash in my neighborhood
Make and deliver care packs for the homeless (blanket, toiletries, socks, etc.)
Cook a meal for someone
Thank my mom
Pay someone's parking
Share fresh produce with neighbors
Rub a loved one's back
Praise my boss
Bake something for someone
Be polite on the road
Take/send flowers to someone

I hope to do many more than this list. I hope to be attentive and look for opportunities to help others. There is truly nothing that feels better than helping someone else.

Day 29: Take a nap...

Challenge Day 29: Take a nap...a real nap. No TV or book allowed.


I was overjoyed when I selected and read this challenge. BEST challenge ever! I would not have felt that way a few months ago. I'm a busy brain and have a life history of difficulty sleeping. As a kid, nap time was like extreme punishment. There is just so much to do and life to live - can't be wasting it sleeping. This challenge has helped me find a more tranquil state of mind. If not for that, it's doubtful I'd have been able to fall asleep and take a nap in the middle of the day. But I did.

I usually read to fall asleep. There's nothing like being absorbed into a story to free my mind of distracting thoughts. With no book, how would I get my mind clear enough? Oh wait, I've got a great idea. I ate my lunch so I'd have a full stomach. Then,(don't tell my boss, ok?), I went to the Stone store and got a beer taster to make myself super relaxed. So I went back to work and parked in the shade. Today was a perfect day, too. Chilly air but gorgeous, warm sunshine. The temperature in the car was perfect. I cracked the windows, reclined the seat back, took off my shoes, and laid back. Before I knew it I was in the middle of a dream. Then the sound of voices woke me up. I was completely disoriented, so I knew it was a good deep sleep. It wasn't long, maybe 20-30 minutes of the perfect power nap.

Besides being more relaxed, participating in, or rather living, this challenge has brought about some profound positive mental and emotional changes. A natural born cynic, I've found myself instead looking for the positive in things. Isn't it funny how we will always find what we look for? I feel as if my eyes have been opened a bit wider and are seeing more beauty. And not just that, but there are little coincidences or maybe call them chance occurrences or connections happening around me that hadn't happened in the past. Perhaps they were always occurring but I missed them because I wasn't aware. Now it's as if I'm attracting wonderful coincidences - or that the little orbits around me are aligning.

One such little coincidence was reading the book Tapestry of Fortunes by Elizabeth Berg. I had no plan to read it. I had a whole list of books I wanted to read and none were available at the library on Kindle. Terri looked through available Kindle books and randomly selected it for me. So I thought, what the heck, I don't have anything else to read right now, so I read it. It's about a middle-aged woman who meets new friends and they all decide to make dramatic changes in their lives - facing fears and pushing out of their comfort zones. It's an easy, fun read - nothing literary. I was struck by the central message: "it's never too late to start over" and how the book came to me purely by chance right when I was beginning this challenge. Just a coincidence or did I somehow attract this story to me just when I needed to read it?

Day 28: Make Maya a playlist of meaningful songs.

Challenge Day 28: Make Maya a playlist of meaningful songs.

For my strong, powerful daughter, it's all about the girl power playlist. Here's what I've got so far:

Beyoncé - Run the World
Lorde - Royals
Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do
Pink - F**kin' Perfect
Jojo - Leave
Alicia Keys - Girl on Fire
Selena Gomez - Who Says
Kelly Clarkson - Stronger and Miss Independent
Demi Lovato - Skyscraper
Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
Jordin Sparks - One Step at a Time
Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten
Vanessa Hudgins - Never Underestimate a Girl
Destiny's Child - Independent Woman part 1
Joan Jett - I Love Rock & Roll

I'm sure there's got to be a good Mary J. Blige, Adele, and Aretha Franklin song too.

Day 27: Make your family's favorite dinner,,,

Challenge Day 27: Make your family's favorite dinner AND do the dishes. Set the table FANCY - use candles, dress up, nicer dishes, background music.

This is a nice way to start the work week. The biggest challenge will be finding a "favorite" meal. My family members have very different tastes in foods. For starters, Terri is a gluten-free vegetarian. Maya, still has the adventure and flavor averse palette of a 4 year-old and only eats foods like cheese pizza, cheeseburgers, chicken strips, French fries. I'll eat pretty much anything. There are the usual meals we all eat a lot, like tostadas and pasta, but those are compromises, not favorites.

Let me think. Think, think, think. Well, everyone in the family likes breakfast. Terri's favorite meal is Huevos Rancheros and Maya LOVES bacon. We all like blueberry pancakes. That's perfect.

So I got off work, stopped by the store for a few ingredients, stopped by my neighbor's to borrow 3 plates,(we have no nice dishes - just the Fiesta ware we use every day), went home, kicked the family out of the kitchen, set the table then started cooking. I gave them both invitations to dinner and requested they dress up too. (Terri and Maya were bundled up in sweats and slippers when I got home - I knew getting them to dress up would be iffy. Terri agreed but Maya said it was way too cold in our house for a little dress).

The menu: Huevos Rancheros Verdes, - an easy-to-make and tasty version topped with green sauce, lime juice infused cilantro and scallion and avocado slices- http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/huevos_rancheros_verdes.html
Blueberry pancakes with Pamela's G/F baking mix, pure maple syrup, bacon for Maya, and sparkling orange juice in champagne glasses.

It was fun to sit down together at a fancy table with candles, "champagne", nice place settings and cutlery, and background music. Maya didn't know which fork to use. (We gotta get that girl out more often).

Everyone loved the meal - all plates were practically licked clean.

I even enjoyed my time alone in the kitchen cleaning up afterward - it felt more special, almost like an honor to be doing it.

Day 26: Thank your letter carrier...

Challenge Day 26: Thank your letter carrier with a little note or gift.

This is a sweet challenge. I love reminders to express gratitude.

We happen to currently have a substitute filling in for our regular mail carrier. Our mail hasn't been getting delivered until well after 6:00 p.m. I feel so sorry for the guy when I see him pull up after dark. It must be so hard to deliver on an unfamiliar route that takes so long. He's been working some very long days and is probably exhausted. He deserves some appreciation.

So I wrote him a thank you card and tucked a chocolate bar inside. Today is Sunday so he won't get it until tomorrow. I hope he likes it.

Thanks to whoever submitted this challenge.

Day 25: Stay in bed or sleep until 8am.

Challenge Day 25: Stay in bed or sleep until 8am.

I wake up this morning at 5:58 a.m. I'm a morning person - 6 am is my norm. Unlike normal people, I lay in bed impatiently and can't wait to get up every day. I've been like that my entire life. Once as a kid I remember getting up early one morning and playing with my toys in my room. My mom came into my room asking what I was doing. Evidently it was still the middle of the night, not morning. Guess I jumped the gun.

So by 5:58 a.m. this morning I was wide awake and already making the list of things I'd do with my quiet, alone time...maybe make a cup of tea and read my book or maybe clean the kitchen and bathroom. It was still pitch black in our bedroom. I swung my legs out of bed, grabbed the challenge box, placed it on my lap and blindly fished out one of the folded pieces of paper. Challenge, Kindle and reading glasses in hand, I headed for the bathroom. After my morning ritual including face washing and teeth brushing, I put on my reading glasses and read the challenge. What!? Stay in bed!? Well, OK. So I headed back to the bedroom. Since I was already wide awake, sleeping was out of the question, but I could certainly go back and stay in bed another 2 hours. I wanted to read but Terri was still sound asleep so turning on my bedside lamp didn't seem like a good idea. Wait, I know. Donning a headlamp, like when we go camping, I settled back into bed. Who cares if I look like a total dork, it's effective and won't be too bright. OK, so maybe it was a little brighter than I realized. Disoriented, eyes wide open, yet still half asleep, Terri sat up, "What's happening?" she said, then rolled back over without an answer.

I fluffed up my pillows and settled back in to continue reading The Orphan Master's Son. I began to relax and let go of my thoughts that laying idly in bed was wasting time. You mean I don't have to pop out of bed and start doing stuff? After about 45 minutes I even surprised myself by falling back asleep briefly. Before I knew it Terri was getting up. I glanced at the clock...8:01. Hey, I did it, I really did it and it was not so bad. It was actually a bit luxurious and hedonistic.

What perfect luck too to pull this challenge on a Saturday when I could really enjoy it. Though being late to work would've been a little fun too.

Challenge 21 Update: Today is the last day of the week, thus the last day of my challenge not to make the bed all week. After 4 days of the bed being unmade, my dear, non-neat freak wife couldn't take it anymore and she made the bed. :-)

Day 24: Have Maya teach you...

Challenge Day 24: Have Maya teach you a song on the guitar or ukelele.

A challenge dependent on the timetable, moods and whims of a 13 year-old is a challenge in itself. Once I could get Maya to agree to sit down with me, or even speak with me, this was a fun challenge. Anyone who has or has had a teen daughter knows what I'm talking about. Between her busy schedule: home from school at 4pm, dinner at 5pm, soccer practice at 6pm, friend over at 8pm, and her attitude, "School sucks!" "This dinner is gross." "Don't touch me" "Don't talk to me". I had about a 15 minute window after soccer practice before movie-watching.

For all her earlier refusal, after we got back home, Maya was the one who went down to her bedroom and walked upstairs holding her guitar and some sheet music for our "lesson". She decided to teach me the Bruno Mars song, Marry You. So she played the song once through and I really paid attention. I mean we pay attention to her music playing and singing, but more from a performance or entertainment standpoint. This time I was watching, staring at her fingers knowing I'd be expected to do likewise. I realized quite quickly that's it's very complicated and not easy at all. She hands me the guitar and tries to guide my fingers on the neck of the guitar onto the strings. Index finger up on 4th string, middle finger on 1st string, ring finger on 2nd string, just the tips of my fingers and press down hard. It felt so awkward. Now strum and she tells me the complicated strumming pattern. I strum the very first strum and she detects the off-note sound of me holding the strings incorrectly. She tries to manipulate my fingers properly. It was like playing Twister with my fingers. I couldn't even get the first note right. I think I'm a bit hopeless as a guitar player. After several attempts and my determination to butcher the poor song, we decide the lesson is over.

Though the lesson, thus the challenge, didn't last long, it was no less meaningful. Most of these challenges are not about the doing of the challenge. It's about overcoming the resistance, the emotions felt, insights discovered, and/or the opportunities created. Today's challenge was not about learning a song on the guitar. It was about having a rare, precious moment with my daughter. I am so grateful for that.

Day 23: Sing in the car...

Day 23: Sing in the car every time you get in the car for the entire day even if people are in the car.

Sounds like a fun, uplifting challenge. Exactly what I needed today. To get me in the mood I dug through my CDs this morning for something fun and upbeat that I could sing on my car trip. Basia? Nah, too sappy. Pink? Love the energy and girl power, but a little angry and intense for today. I got it. Madonna. The "You Can Dance" CD is perfect. Holiday, Where's the Party, Spotlight, so many good choices.

Besides singing and listening in the car, I brought Madonna with me to the office and played her on repeat all day. A coworker commented that I had a dance party in my office. Exactly!

I've got a standing desk and today realized another great benefit it provides: dancing while I work. How is it possible that music can so completely permeate and influence mood? I felt energized and playful all day.

We've got plans with friends tonight and we're driving everyone in our van. I can't wait to belt out some Madonna for them.

Where's the party, I want to free my soul
Where's the party, I want to lose control
Where's the party, I want to free my soul
Where's the party, I want to lose control

Couldn't wait to get older
Thought I'd have so much fun
Guess I'm one of the grown-ups
Now I have to get the job done
People give me the business
I'm not living in fear
I'm just living in chaos
Gotta get away from here

Day 22: Create a New Dance Move...

Challenge Day 22: Create a New Dance Move and Teach it to 2 People.

It's funny how each mystery challenge is exactly what I need each day. I woke up in a gloomy funk today that I couldn't shake most the day. The last thing I could envision myself doing was conjuring up the enthusiasm to dance today. By late afternoon I started feeling better.

After dinner I remembered I still had the challenge to do. Before we got involved in other pursuits, I told the family it was time to learn a new dance move. I must admit, I didn't create this dance today - it's recycled. In 6th grade my friend Teresa and I made up a dance to our then favorite song, Kung Fu Fighting, from 1974. I couldn't remember our entire dance but I remembered the gist of some of the moves.

We found the song on iTunes and turned up the volume. Hmm, now how did that dance go again? I think it was karate chop, karate chop, karate chop, spin turn, squat, jump up kick karate chop. Or something like that. My 13 year-old could not stop laughing and wanted nothing to do with my lame moves. Terri wasn't much more cooperative.

Maya finally agreed to play along only if she could make our poor little Chihuahua, Lola, do the dance too. Whatever. It was fun and we were laughing. After a few demonstrations and one too many karate kicks, I pulled a muscle in my back and fell to the floor laughing hysterically. So it was a good day for dancing after all.

Day 21: Don't make the bed...all week.

Challenge Day 21: Don't make the bed...all week.

I'm very obsessive about my bed being made. Weekends, weekdays, someone still in the bed, I'll make it. I was very late for work once years ago and didn't make it(yes, just once) and when I came home from work I had to make it before I could go to bed. I've been known to remake it if Terri makes it and the covers or pillows aren't just right. It's a sickness, I know. It's so much of a sickness, that this morning when I pulled this challenge out of the box, I had already made the bed...and I was still in it! No kidding. While still laying there, I pulled up the blankets and comforter, fluffed and straightened the pillows, and then sat up and pulled this challenge. (The challenge rules are to pull a challenge out of the box each day before I get out of bed - it doesn't say anything about before making the bed). So I actually had to unmake and mess up the bed for this challenge.

"We don't have to make the bed all week?" my wife asked a bit too cheerily this morning. "No, I can't make the bed - you can still make it," I replied. She just laughed. That bed is so not getting made this week.

Someone asked me once years ago why it was so important to make my bed if no one was going to see it but me. "What if someone breaks in?" I responded. Huh? Like I want to impress a burglar? I'm just a freak. I know it. I won't argue with you.

More than I need my desk neat, my drawers organized, and my car clean, I need my bed made. All will be well in the world if my bed is made and everything around me is orderly. It's as if my brain cannot focus and my breathing cannot regulate unless everything around me within my control is controlled. Like the clutter muddles my brain and obstructs my air way. Is that borderline or full OCD?

I LOVE everything neat as a pin and completely clutter-free. I don't think that will ever change. Yet, I also realize that my need, my demand, my unbending attempt to completely control the planets and stars of my universe have held me back. My need to have all the chores done and everything in its place before I can relax and go have fun has prevented me from living fully.

I'll never be a slob. I don't want to be. That's not the point of this challenge. I love that I love neatness and order. The point is to let go of the attachment, the judgement associated with disorder. I want to learn how not to be knocked out of orbit when shoes are on the floor and dishes are in the sink...and the bed isn't made. I want to be able to play around clutter and leave the house if the bed isn't made and understand that life as I know it will be OK.

Part of the reason for doing this crazy 50 Days to Fabulous 50 Challenge is to loosen my grasp on some of the things to which I hold on so tightly...the things that also hold me back. I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking, "I wish I would've lived life more and had fun, but at least my bed was made."

So for the rest of the week, my bed will be unmade. I'm doing pretty good so far. I'm functioning, able to work, not having any anxiety, and no burglars think any less of me. I might really cut loose and invite friends over for a dinner party this week at our house with an unmade bed. Oh, this challenge is turning me into such a wild woman.

Day 20: Take baked goods to a fire station or police station.

Challenge Day 20: Take baked goods to a fire station or police station.
Yippee! This is a very fun challenge. I love to bake. And I knew right away that I wanted to bake cookies for our local Eagle Rock fire station - they are so nice. I decided to also take cookies to Pasadena Station 38 - the fire fighters who performed the recent emergency response training for our church. They were so helpful, informative, and kind.

What kind of cookies should I make? Firefighters have a reputation of being good cooks, so nothing too ordinary. I decided to make one of my favorite recipes, Cherry Chocolate Chunk Oatmeal Cookies (secret ingredient - orange zest).

So after work I baked while Maya did homework. Mmm. Nothing like the smell of baking cookies. Delightful. I doubled the usual batch and ended up with 8 dozen - way too many cookies. Oh darn, guess we have to eat some. They tasted pretty good too. As my daughter said, "Yo brah, these cookies are legit." That means good, right?

I wrapped each plate in cellophane and colorful ribbon with a nice thank you note. Maya was uncharacteristically amenable to going with me to drop them off. She even changed her clothes and applied a little mascara. Hmm. No surprise there - those guys at Station 38 are a bit hunky.

So off we went. On the way we talked about how grateful we are to fire fighters for risking their lives for us and other unsung heroes deserving of our gratitude - like the local crossing guard lady.

We dropped off the cookies and expressed our thanks at both stations. The fire fighters were very appreciative. Maya commented how she felt like such a good Samaritan. It did feel good to share our gratitude in this way.

I think we'll practice gratitude like this more often.

Day 19: No Talking...ALL DAY.

Challenge Day 19: No Talking...ALL DAY.

Wow, this is going to be hard, was my first thought. It's a Sunday and I work. This is the day of the week when most of my job requires greeting and socializing with others. OK, I'll give it a try. Just recently the folks from the weekend spiritual retreat reported about how hard it was to be silent for 5 hours. Can I do it an entire day? How do I not offend people? They'll think I'm ignoring or snubbing them.

I wrote out and wore a name tag sticker that said:
"Vow of Silence Today. Please don't take offense. Thanks."

My walk to work was fine. I didn't pass too many people. A smile and nod seems to satisfy most strangers.

The weird thing was, for some reason, knowing I couldn't speak set my inner voice on disjointed, rambling full volume. Everything I saw became an inner spoken thought plus I couldn't get the song Royals out of my mind. My walk went something like this:

Pushing the crosswalk button. Ok, how long is it going to take. Let me be your ruler..ruler. You can call me queen bee. And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule. Walk now. Hurry, cross there's a car behind me. I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule. Let me live that fantasy. Hmm. My hands are sweaty in my pockets. I'll take them out. Nope too cold. And we'll never be royals. It don't run in our blood. That kind of luxe just ain't for us. Oh damn, since I've been walking with my hands in my pockets my UP band isn't recording my steps. I better take my hands out and swing my arms. We crave a different kind of buzz. Let me be your ruler..ruler. You can call me queen bee. Oh the sun feels so nice on my face. And we'll never be royals. Here comes a jogger, better scoot over. Which way is he going to go? I'll scoot left. Let me be your ruler, you can call me Queen Bee. And baby I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule I'll rule...Let me live that fantasy.

Argh. Shut up brain!

Among my many thoughts was something a little profound. Is it possible to think without words? I mean, once we master language, is it possible to have thoughts or feelings without articulating them into words in our mind? Can I feel and glory in the warm sun on my face without those thoughts becoming words whether spoken or not? "Mmm, that sun feels so good." Can our body and mind simply register positive sensations as good? It kind of goes back to yesterday's challenge. Can we really "just be"?

Not surprisingly my work colleagues found humor in my day's challenge. My boss/minister seemed to take perverse pleasure in it and conversed with me even more than usual.

I spent a lot of time hiding out. It was just easier avoiding people and situations in which talking would be expected.

I carried scraps of paper and a pen in my pocket. I premade a few notes. "Ha, Ha, very funny" for the wise asses who got such a kick out of my predicament. "Follow me" for church members/visitors I needed to help. And "Personal Challenge...from a friend" for people who asked me why I was being silent. And my favorite, "I love you,' which came in most handy.

I did much better on this challenge than yesterday's challenge and than I expected. I was doing great. Oh sure, it was a bit awkward not speaking but I was committed and focused. Then, of all things, I leaned over and muttered to Terri some comment under my breath during our church's town hall meeting. Damn, I thought. But I wasn't going to throw in the towel because of one small indiscretion. OK, so I made it 6 hours and 37 minutes without a word. I'll keep going.

My family had lunch together at home, we folded tons of laundry together, Terri and I worked on a craft project together. Not a word from me. I'm definitely brushing up on my charades skills and facial expressions. My daughter Maya took even more perverse pleasure in my challenge. She called it her best day ever and kept trying to trick me into talking. That's my girl.

Before dinner I was putzing around in our crowded and disorganized garage. Stepping over a bucket, around a bike, and through the furniture dolly, I pulled a can of paint off the shelf. When I turned around to reverse the maneuver, I caught my foot on something and started to go down. I turned toward the left, bracing my fall with my left hand and hip. Unfortunately, my left hip also bumped bike #1 on the way down. Our bikes are lined up like dominoes, so when bike #1 fell, down they all went...#1, #2, #3 then the electric scooter. "Dammit!" I blurted out as I hit the ground. Oh, double dammit, I just talked again. This time I only made it 4 1/2 hours. Argh. I was more upset about speaking than my sore butt.

Still, I was not going to give up. I went right back to my vow of silence the rest of the evening then through dinner. The waitress must've found it odd, me bobbing my head up and down and scribbling notes frantically on scraps of paper, Terri ordering for me. Whatever, a challenge is a challenge.

Terri was being especially chatty and asking me questions she knew I couldn't answer. Or did my silence just make it seem that she was more verbose? Frankly, my vow of silence made me so hypersensitive to conversation that I wanted complete silence from everyone. It felt like everyone was talking way too much. Is that what we all do? Fill in the silence for no good reason?

Well, as I was writing this blog, Terri's phone sitting next to me in the kitchen began to ring. I could see it was her mother and hear Terri running from across the house. "It's your mom," I shouted. Terri ran in, grabbed the phone from me then looked at me alarmed, "Why are you talking?" Oh damn, I did it again. Only 3 hours this time.

OK, maybe I just need to go to bed now so I can make it the next 4 hours of today without talking.

Day 18: Sit on your patio alone for one hour...

Challenge Day 18: Sit on your patio alone for one hour - without a book, without electronics: just BE.

Don't let that relaxed-looking photo of me fool you. I failed miserably at this challenge. I mean, really, what the hell is "just be"? Just be what? Just be bored? Just be quiet? Just be trying to just be so much you can't just be? And "just be" for an entire hour?

In between rearranging furniture, cleaning the house, 3 loads of laundry, and my daughter's soccer game I decided to "just be". We have plans later, best get it over with now. So I went out on the patio and sat at the picnic table. The weather was exquisite - perfect, balmy temperature, light breeze. The water splashing from the fountain was melodic, hypnotizing. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and tried to clear my mind. It was very peaceful and meditative. Breathing in, breathing out. Then my dog Dixie jumped up on the table to see what I was doing. She's so cute, I began petting her. Wait, does the dog count as not being alone? Is petting the dog still "just being"? I mean dogs are the ultimate "just be-ers"and petting her helped me relax and feel joy. So, yes, I decide that petting my 4-legged "just be" self-help coach is OK. But wait, worrying about whether petting the dog is just being is definitely not just being. Damn. What time is it anyway? Oh hell, it's only been 12 minutes. How is that possible! OK, close eyes again, breathe deeply. Clearing my mind, feeling zen. I'm feeling so relaxed, restful. This is going well.

"Hey honey, how's it going?", Terri calls out from the kitchen. Ahhh! If I answer I won't be just being. Oh, damn, I can't do this. I throw in the towel.

"Not so good", I tell her, "I only made it 15 minutes."

She walks outside to console me, all 3 dogs follow along and jump up on the table wagging and sniffing. Now I am definitely not alone just being. Oh well. I gave it a try. 1 hour is a very long time to just be. At least I just was or had been for a little while. What is the past tense of "just be" anyway...just been? had been? been had? Oops, there I go again over-thinking. You know, 15 minutes isn't so bad. I'll work my way up from there.

Day 17: Listen intently to everyone..

Challenge Day 17: Listen intently to everyone and only talk about what they were talking about. The point is...just listen.

Hmm, was this a generic challenge or did a friend contribute it just for me? Because if you know me, you know that I'm not a great listener. Not being a great listener wouldn't be so bad if I also wasn't such a great interrupter. I know how rude and annoying it is. It's a tough habit to break. I just seem to get so excited about a topic that I can't hold back. I really want to improve in this regard
so I'm happy for today's challenge to practice being attentive and listening well.

Unfortunately, hardly anyone was in my office today for me to practice on. I interacted minimally with a few people at work but not enough to really exercise this challenge.

After work I had dinner with Terri and Maya before Maya's soccer practice. We mostly talked about Maya's improved grades and gave deserved praise. I think I did a pretty good job listening to them both and talking about their topics, not commandeering the conversation.

During Maya's soccer practice we had a beer with some dear friends who are going out of town tomorrow. I knew that would be a good temptation time for me to practice intent listening. I listened pretty well but did catch myself cutting someone off a time or two. Damn. Good listening and alcohol don't mix.

I have learned though that traits like poor listening and interrupting are not set personality flaws. "I'm just that way", is a cop out. They are habits that can be changed with lots of effort and repeated success. It is not easy. Training for a marathon would be easier. This is a challenge that I'll endeavor to perform more than just today.

I know how much I appreciate people who are generous with their attention by listening intently. I am blessed with such friends. That's a good way to be and I want to keep on trying.

Day 16: Create your own No Nonsense Nellie...

Challenge Day 16: Create your own No Nonsense Nellie. Throughout today, listen to your inner voice. Each time you hear negative self-talk or put downs, write it down, crumple it up, and slam dunk it into Nellie.

How fun! I remember this lesson from when I was coaching Girls on the Run. My dear friend Elizabeth, who's very involved in GOTR Los Angeles, must've submitted today's challenge.

I must say that I did very well on this challenge. I was in a great, positive mood today and refrained from negative self-talk. Even when situations arose that would typically illicit negative thoughts about myself, I didn't have them. Hmm. Do you think the first 16 days of this challenge are having the desired positive side effects? Nellie sitting on my desk staring at me was a very helpful reminder. There is also something to be said for being mindful about something. Because I was mindful of how I thought about myself today, I was intentionally kind. Why can't we all do that every day?

I made it all the way until late afternoon until...

My wife sent me an email reminding me about her meeting after work and that she'd see me later for our "fun dinner". What "fun dinner"!? Am I supposed to cook? I emailed her back and she reminded me about our fun dinner plans with an old friend tonight. "Duh, I'm so stupid", I laughingly said out loud to myself. I've only been looking forward to it for over a week. How could I have forgotten? Uh oh, I just called myself stupid. Though I said it humorously, how would I feel if someone else would've said that? It would hurt my feelings. Admittedly, it wasn't a serious offense and seems pretty harmless, but still. It came out so automatically - to disparage myself for something so unimportant. And even just joking, there is a danger in prolonged exposure. The more you do it the more automatic and accepted it becomes. So how do I move from "I'm so stupid" to something else, like "Oh, that's right!" or "I'm so silly!"?

I sort of like having Nellie around to remind me to be kind. I might just keep her on my desk and even encourage my colleagues to slam dunk their negative self-talk.

Day 15: Call Somebody...

Challenge Day 15: Call somebody you haven't talked to in a while just to tell them why you think they are cool.


The first people I thought of were my brother and mother. They are the coolest and I owed them phone calls.

While on the long walk to work, I decided to call mom since it was early and she's in Texas on central time. I caught her making breakfast and she couldn't talk. Darn. When I was a kid I thought my mom was so cool. She was the prettiest, youngest mom. She had long beautiful red hair and dressed stylishly. I was always proud to show her off to my friends. When all the other moms drove station wagons she had a bright red VW Superbeetle with pinstriping.

Next I called my brother, Ray. Damn, got voicemail. Strike 2. Left a message. "Hi Ray, it's Alyssa, just called to say I love you and you're the coolest brother ever."

Ray called back a few minutes later and we chatted a bit. We quibbled over who is cooler - I still think it's him. He saw the unicycling video and we talked about that challenge. It was a short but sweet conversation.

I just adore my big brother. He is an amazing man. He is an especially great dad. He is so kind and caring. I'm so proud of him. When we were kids he picked on me plenty - underwear over my head, locking me out of the house, pinning me down then hanging spit loogies inches from my face. He had a way of teasing me and pushing my buttons then I'd snap, hit him and be the one who got in trouble. He was also my hero. I followed him around and just wanted to be a part of whatever he was doing. I preferred football, wrestling, cars, and pretty much anything with him and his friends over girlie stuff. He was my protector too and no one else could pick on me. I never thought he'd turn out to be the cool guy he is. He was never much into school and got in quite a bit of trouble as a teenager. His future didn't seem rosy. He turned things around in his 20's - became responsible, worked hard training for his career, got a good job. He is incredibly loyal and strong of character and still a prankster. I'm a very lucky sister.

This blurry photo is of me and Ray standing behind my mom's red VW. Since I was slightly taller than Ray in the photo,(he's 3 years older than me), it must've been about 1976-1977.

T

Day 14: Write a love letter to yourself.

Challenge Day 14: Write a love letter to yourself.

Still laying in bed this morning, I completed this challenge as soon as I got up. I was awake early and thought a love letter to myself would be a great way to start the day. I thought I was doing really well, being positive and upbeat. It wasn't until I read it through that I saw what had happened. Holy crap, do I love myself conditionally!? That is to say, my love letter isolated certain traits and qualities to love and sort of made excuses or forgave the rest. Like, OK, I love the warped sense of humor, kind Alyssa but not the perfectionist, quick to anger Alyssa. That's not fair. I'm a package deal. I can love my wife, kids, and friends unconditionally, why not myself? They all have flaws too. Sure, I strive to be more of the kind, funny, loving Alyssa and less of the critical, obsessed Alyssa - that's what this challenge is all about. But that doesn't mean I'm not wholly worthy of loving myself just the way I am. I want to learn to give myself a break - cut myself some slack. I'm my own worst critic - that's another part of what this challenge is all about - to accept and love myself just the way I am. So I reframed my thinking and finished the letter with full loving support and unconditional love. I even wrote part to my inner child. It felt freeing, therapeutic, like I unlocked myself and gave me permission to come out.

It's a delicate balance, striving to improve while loving your flawed self on the way. One of the things I love about myself is I'm always working to stretch myself. An important lesson for me to remember is that I'm not challenging myself because I need to be perfect and am not worthy as I am - I'm challenging myself to have more joy and richness in my life. I love me. Amen. :-)

Love Reminders: At my old job whenever I called to leave a reminder for myself on my own voicemail, I always started with a positive, and somewhat silly compliment, like - "Hi Alyssa, you look fabulous today, please remember to finalize the meeting agenda." Then in the morning when I got the message it always made me smile. It works with post-it reminders too. "Alyssa, I love your smile, please take out the trash." Try it.

Day 13: Unicycle Lesson

Challenge Day 13: Unicycle lesson compliments of my friend Des

OK, now this challenge was fun, but physically not easy. Riding a unicycle is one of those things that is much harder than it looks, like bowling or juggling.

When my friend Des arrived at my work with the unicycle, she also had 2 helmets - a bike helmet and a motorcycle helmet, just in case. Uh oh. Should I be worried about cracking my head open?

Prior to trying it, I really thought that after 20 minutes or so I'd be up on the thing riding it around. NOT. After 45 minutes I could still barely keep my balance even with Des holding me. Poor Des. I was holding on so tight pulling and pushing on her to keep my balance that she worked up a sweat. I got a pretty good workout too - my thighs, hips, and core muscles are even a little sore.

In 5th grade, Des got her first unicycle for Christmas and spent all winter in her kitchen learning to balance between the kitchen counters. Upon hearing this, besides realizing what nice parents Des must've had, I realized that mastering a unicycle takes quite a bit of time and patience. I was definitely not going to ride it in one day.

So I didn't get very far my first lesson but it sure was fun. Lots of laughter and hilarity. I am definitely going to try it again.

Today's challenge made me think: When was the last time I tried something completely brand new - a difficult mental and physical challenge like this? Hmm, there was skiing 30 years ago. (Miserable fail). There have got to be some more recent things. That I couldn't readily recall told me it's been too long.

As kids, we are trying new physically & mentally challenging things all the time - learning to crawl, walk, run, ride a bike; jumping a skateboard off curbs; hanging upside down on monkey bars; jumping from the high dive. Kids try and succeed and try and fail, and keep trying over and over until mastering something. As adults by age 50, we've usually tried all the new stuff and have already become proficient at whatever it is we like to do. There aren't as many new things to try - or rather, new things we are willing to try. Granted, with age comes the wisdom of understanding our own mortality. We know our limits and the risks. But is physical danger really why we stop or is there more to it? Are we afraid unnecessarily? Stuck in ruts? Too busy?

Today's fun has inspired me. I want to try more new stuff. Who cares if I master it or not? I undeniably did not master the unicycle today, but the trying was exhilarating and gratifying. I want some more of that in my life.

Day 12: Write a Poem for Someone Special

Challenge Day 12: Write a Poem for Someone Special

I love poetry, both reading and writing, so this challenge felt good to get today. Particularly because I felt so emotionally inspired and would be returning home in the afternoon.

I spent the weekend in Big Bear with a bunch of friends celebrating 50th birthdays for 3 of us. Our group of 27 rented out a small lake view lodge - all 8 cabins - to ourselves. Our children played together and ran amuck and adults chatted, cooked, and caught up on daily life. It was delightful. We made a vow of leaving electronic devices behind, which we pretty much did. (Which also explains why my posts Friday and Saturday night were short). On Saturday evening the 3 birthday women sat in "thrones" - chairs festooned with our favorite color balloons- while our friends shared kind words about each of us, then we were "crowned" with homemade crowns of the same color and each given our own favorite flavor birthday cakes. It was one of the warm, touching times in my life that I will always treasure. The entire weekend reminded me how loved and very, very fortunate I am.

The familiar, unconditional love in these friendships is rare. We know each others flaws and in many ways it's those flaws that draw us lovingly together. There is no pretense. And though we have much fun together, like family, sometimes we say and do the wrong things, but we always rally back around to love. We support one another so much. Our connections help us get through daily life - the challenges of personal struggle and growth, marriages, and child rearing.

I could not survive raising a teenage daughter without these friends to see me through. There are more emotional peaks and valleys - mostly valleys or rather sheer, steep cliffs - in raising a teenage daughter. This in between stage, when she is so very much a grown woman yet so much a child is very difficult. A day doesn't go by without screaming, crying, laughing, or all 3. I decided to make my daughter's teenage struggle the subject of the poem.


In Between

Some days I just want to jump on the swings again
Pumping my legs, pulling hard on the chain
Head back, warm sun on my face
Up, down, forward and back
Higher and higher
I am mighty, I am free.

Some days I wish I could drive a car, a fast car
Loud music blasting on its stereo
It would be my favorite color
I am in the driver’s seat, going where I want to go.
Faster and faster
I am powerful, I am daring.

Some days I want to crawl into my mom’s lap,
Soft skin, strong arms holding me tight
Kisses on my forehead,
Gentle touches brush stray hair from my eyes.
Rocking back and forth, forward and back
I am safe, I am protected.

Some days I want to live on my own.
Staying up late, having friends over
Doing whatever I want
Singing and dancing all night
Faster and faster
I am independent, I am fun

Most days I do none of these things
Swing sets and laps are for kids.
Driving cars and living alone, for adults
I am neither
I am in between

Yet most days I am all of these things
Mighty and free, powerful and daring
Safe and protected, independent and fun
Faster and faster, forward and back
In between

Day 11: Do everything with your left hand for a day (get those synapses firing).

Glad I didn't get this challenge on a work day. Seemed easy enough until I had to zip my pants, brush teeth, wipe, cut food, and write. And I choose to do this. I have a choice.It gave me compassion for those who have no choice. Sure my left-handed writing sucks, but it's not the same as losing the ability. This challenge taught me to appreciate how much I take for granted typical manual functions. Or any physical abilities for that matter. What you don't know is it took me an hour to type this short post because I used my opposite hand. I cussed and got frustrated but wouldn't give up. At least I have another hand to use. I am humbled. Not wise, but humbled.

Day 10: Try to catch the eye...

Challenge Day 10: Try to catch the eye of everyone you pass in the day...smile and say "hi".

Tried to do this before we left for Big Bear today. Not easy. People just don't look at you. Everyone is in their own bubble. Finally someone looked and when he saw me smiling he averted his gaze. Probably thought I was nuts. How sad that we are out in the world around each other all day yet don't pay attention. I'm going to take a redo on this challenge and try again when I am out in public more. Maybe I'll do it everyday.

Day 9: Paint a Picture

Challenge Day 9: Paint a Picture

I was bummed when I pulled this challenge out of the box this morning. I knew I had a busy day ahead and things to do after work to get ready for our trip out of town Friday. Argh, I don't have time to paint today. Why couldn't I get this challenge Saturday, when I'll be up in the mountains relaxing, looking for a lovely, inspiring activity like painting? I even considered tossing it back into the box for a better day.

What the hell, I'll just do it. I asked Terri to get out some watercolors and paper for me, which I set aside for the evening.

The voice in my head was saying, "But I can't make a good painting, the painting I would really want to make without much time." I realized it was the controlling, perfectionist in me feeling like I needed more time and the right opportunity to paint. I decided to give myself an attitude adjustment. OK, Alyssa, don't think of it as being an artist creating a masterpiece. You're not getting graded on this. Think of it like you just walked into a child's classroom and they ask you to sit down and paint with them for a little while. You're carefree and playing - enjoying yourself, watching the colors smear around, no pressure. Just having fun - painting freely as a child would paint. Ah, that really helped. I felt the tension melt away. It was supposed to be fun - not anxiety-producing.

It's like what I tell others when they say they are too busy and don't have time to practice yoga. "You don't have time to not do it," I say. It's exactly when you are the most resistant - the most busy and stressed- that you need to do it. I thought about how good I feel and more productive I am after doing yoga. I gain back all the time the class takes and more with the added calm and clarity it provides. Like yoga, I realized that painting would feel good.

And it did. My inner child thanked me.

Day 8: Spend the Entire Day Smiling.

Challenge Day 8: Call Elizabeth so we can schedule lunch to celebrate your birthday.
That's too easy, so also... Spend the entire day smiling.

I was happy to get this challenge this morning. Yippee, I get to talk to my friend Elizabeth and smile all day. Piece of cake. Well, as things go in this busy life, I left a voicemail and we texted each other, but were not able to talk. Darn.

My secret weapon to help me smile all day was to bring my little dog, Lola, with me to work and wear bright red shoes. Who can't smile with a cute dog and crazy red shoes around? Well, smiling all day is not as easy as I thought. While I am making an extra effort to smile more, it's just not natural - well not for me any way. I mean, even as I type this, when I begin to concentrate on word selection and typing, my face just relaxes. It takes concentrated facial muscles to smile unless something makes you smile.

I decided to do some google investigation. Hmm, let's try..."mechanics of smiling". Nope, found sites with auto mechanics who smile. Whoa, there are some good looking smiling auto mechanics out there. If you have a spare minute, google images of "mechanics of smiling". Next, how about "reflexive smiling"? No, that's what newborns do and has no connection to external stimulation. Third time's a charm. Thanks Wikipedia. Here's what I found:

Smiling involves both a chemical and biological process. The brain secretes chemicals from neurotransmitters including Serotonin and Dopamine that causes the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) and the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) to react to environmental stimuli that individuals process unconsciously through the five senses of: seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting. As a result, if something is amusing or enjoyable the facial muscle movements results in creating smiles that are activated for various reasons. Things such as hearing amusing jokes, watching a person accidentally doing something amusing, and other funny scenarios all contribute to what makes people smile.

So I guess if I could constantly see, here, touch, taste, and/or think of something enjoyable or amusing, I could spend the entire day smiling. What a great day that would be! Well, I am enjoying trying.

Day 7: Write a letter to someone...

Challenge Day 7: Write a letter to someone who has made a difference in your life. Mail it.

I love this activity. There are so many people who have made positive impacts in my life. It was not easy to choose just one. I must confess, I wrote 2 letters today. One to someone very close to me that continues to make a difference in my life every day. The other to a friend with whom I've fallen out of touch. I heard through the grapevine that she recently got a terrific job promotion, so I took the opportunity to also congratulate her. We met on the job years ago. It was a blessing to work together and such a loss when our paths went separate ways and we no longer did. I considered her one of the perks of the job. She had a depth of character and integrity that is hard to find. She cared deeply about others and made a point to listen to all sides of an issue before acting. She really epitomized collegiality and good leadership. Her kindness was genuine. Never a snarky, gossipy, unkind word did I hear from her. She could be firm and make tough decisions with compassion and without ego. Working together, I felt encouraged to be a better leader and my better self. I am grateful for the difference she made in my life and the chance today to think of her and thank her.

Day 6: Begin your day with the Metta prayer of loving kindness...

Challenge Day 6: Begin your day with the Metta prayer of loving kindness. Begin with yourself; then recite for a specific respected person in your life; next for a dearly beloved; next for a neutral person; next for someone with whom you have difficulty; and finally for all beings.

May I be at peace.
May my heart remain open.
May I awaken to the light of my own true nature.
May I be healed.
May I be a source of healing for all beings.

What a lovely prayer/meditation and perfect way to start the work week. Even just thinking of the people I wished to bless brought me joy. I practiced the meditation when I awoke then also in the middle of the day and again before bed.

I had the opportunity to practice this meditation once before in church. My attempt to determine the author were inconclusive - some internet sites attribute it to Joan Borysenko and others to the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh.

Below are some wonderful suggestions I found for practicing the meditation.

Say this blessing for yourself anytime you feel alone, afraid or out of touch with the Light within. Begin by taking a few letting-go breaths, and then enter the inner sanctuary of stillness. Imagine a light above and slightly in front of you pouring love and light over you, let the light enter the top of your head and wash through you, revealing the purity of your own heart, which expands and extends beyond you, merging with the Divine light. Bless yourself with loving kindness.

Next bring a loved one or group to mind. Say this blessing for as many people as you wish. If worried thoughts
about loved ones occur during the day, take a moment to send them a loving kindness blessing rather than a fearful thought.Imagine a loving light shining down on them revealing the light within their own heart. Imagine this light growing brighter, merging with the Divine light. Then bless them with loving kindness. Repeat this for as many people as you wish.

Next, think of a person or group whom you hold in judgment, and to whom you’re ready to begin extending forgiveness, bless them with
loving kindness. Hold them in light, seeing it wash away all their negativity and illusion. Repeat this for as many people or groups as you wish.

Now see our beautiful planet, a delicate jewel hanging in starry vastness (or the entire universe). Imagine it surrounded by light, the green continents, the blue waters, the white polar caps, the animals, the fish that swim and the birds that fly (and the stars,
planets, galaxies, space) Be spacious enough to hold it all as you offer these blessings of loving kindness.

Day 5: Plant a tree...

Challenge Day 5: Plant a tree/flower in honor/memory of NUUC (church) members who tested your last nerve.

My first thought was, "Whoa, that's a lot of flowers." Oh wait, it's one plant for all, not a plant for each. Whew.

I spent the rest of the morning smiling fondly while thinking of the members who have driven me nuts. Honestly, I am grateful to each and every one - and there are plenty of nerve testers. At those moments I certainly didn't feel grateful, but I do now. They all taught me important lessons, especially in patience.

My most memorable misbehaving member moment happened several years ago. Very early in the morning on my day off during Christmas break, there was a loud knocking, more like banging, on our front door. Still pajama-clad, I opened the door to find a very angry, red faced, church member yelling, and so seething mad he was spitting when he spoke. I was so thrown off to be confronted at my home in that way that it took me a minute to understand what he was yelling about. He was upset because I had arranged for the trees on campus to be trimmed. No kidding. Years later that member and I developed quite a bit of mutual respect and fondness for one another. In fact, I came to absolutely adore him. He was cranky and opinionated, but I understood it was because he cared so deeply and had a lot at stake. He was a wonderful teacher and his passion for the planet helped fuel my environmental stewardship. His death a few years ago was a devastating loss.

I could go on and on, but I won't. The reality is that people misbehave and act out. They want to get their way. They want to be heard. They can get petty and rude. They do a lot of things considered socially unacceptable when they care passionately and feel vulnerable. Our members are some of the most passionate people I've ever met. They feel deeply about their connection to and within the church. A recipe for misbehavior and nerve testing. It's not always easy to see past the behavior to the kind hearts and good intentions. Today's challenge allowed me reflect back and see the true lessons in those interactions. For that I am grateful.

In honor and memory of all the members who have tested my nerves -the tough skins with the soft hearts- I chose to plant a Sedum Mussbaumeranum Coppertone, a succulent that looks prickly but is not, and is actually a bit fragile. Each time I replant a clipping from it and watch it grow I'll think of all the ways our members have provided new life lessons and helped me grow.

Day 4: Read 1 Corinthians 13...

Challenge Day 4: Read 1 Corinthians 13 and remember that you are loved and that your friends know that you love them as well.

Whew, I felt so relieved to pull this challenge, since I was spending the day with a friend in Palm Springs. It's nice to have a thoughtful task that is low stress and not time consuming.

It is a beautiful Bible passage. As one who was raised un-churched and is not familiar with many Bible verses, I appreciate the opportunity to learn it's beautiful content.


1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)


13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Day 3: Write your own jingle...

Challenge Day 3: Write your own jingle, theme song or "commercial" that's all about YOU. Perform at upcoming staff meeting.

Now see, this challenge is exactly why it was not such a great idea to ask a coworker(s) to organize the challenge. I'm totally down with writing a jingle, but making me perform it at work!? That's just cruel and unusual punishment, ladies. I'll get you for this. And it's like 2 challenges, not 1. And it's a multiday challenge. These are supposed to be challenges I can do on the day I pull them. OK, there I go. That's the black and white, nit picky me being annoyed right now that "the rules" weren't followed. Take a deep breath. This challenge is to help tame that monster. Besides, they set the rules, not me. Different from my expectations does not equal wrong. I wanted to be challenged. Because I was expecting a fast ball, is why a curve ball was the perfect pitch to throw at me. Adjusting expectations and adapting to sudden change is good - that's what I'm here to learn. And isn't it funny that my resistance to the "Perform at upcoming staff meeting" part of the challenge isn't even about the actual performance? Wouldn't most people be mainly anxious about having to perform in front of others? But no, not me. I'm all focused on how that aspect of the challenge doesn't conform to "the rules". I'm smiling and laughing at myself right now. The universe does have a way of giving us exactly what we need if we would just open our eyes and recognize the gift. Oh lady challenge masters, you are wiser than you know. Thank you.

And while I'm now on the path of positive thought, it is fortunate that I pulled this challenge today when I have the day off and plenty of time to come up with something, plus I've got several days to rehearse before my performance. However, for those of you following along and hoping to see what I come up with today, you're out of luck. I'm keeping it under wraps until the opening performance.

10/9/13 Jingle Performance Update:
I sang my little jingle at the staff meeting today. The words are below. Sang to the tune of the famous "My bologna has a first name..." commercial jingle from 1973.

My psyche has a first name,
It's T-Y-P-E-A.
My psyche has a second name,
It's C-R-A-N-K.
I love to defeat it every day.
And if you ask me why, I'll say...
This Type A crank just wants a way to learn how to let lose and play.

How was that?

And no, I am not posting the video.

Day 2: Write a Letter to Maya...

Challenge Day 2: Write a Letter to Maya to Read When She Turns 50.

This challenge wasn't as easy as I thought. It took me 3 attempts to finally get the letter that really said what I want to say to my 50-year-old daughter. At first it was sage advice from what I've learned. But wait, she's going to be 50. My hope is she will have learned enough to not need my advice by then. The next try became a downer -too much apologizing for not being a better person, mother, etc. But wait, she's going to read the letter 37 years from now. I plan for that sorry, scared, cynical mother to be so far in the past, as to be unrecognizable. So I decided to write the letter from the me I aspire to be, the me I will be, in 37 years.

Though most of the letter is private, I'll share a couple hard-earned lessons and inspirations.

"I hope I become a role model for you of living a life without fear. For the most important thing I've learned is that fear of losing something only ensures you'll never truly have it."

"And like me at 50, I hope you know you still have so much to offer and there are lots of adventures waiting out there for you. Know too that it's never too late to reinvent yourself, take risks, and push out of your comfort zone."

"I'm more excited and hopeful about life now than I've ever been. I hope 50 brings you the same optimism and giddy anticipation."

Bonus Challenge

I forgot to mention the bonus challenge. In addition to the 50 surprise challenges contributed by friends, this morning I finally decided upon a few challenges of my own for the next 50 days. Some are things I try to do anyway, but adding them to the challenge will give me extra motivation. Here they are: intentional daily exercise; daily spiritual practice; take alternative transportation whenever reasonably possible; and give up meat. I was very resistant to the idea of going vegetarian for 50 days. I wasn't going to do it. Then last night I had a graphically disturbing nightmare that left me shaken and wide awake at 3am. I won't go into detail about the dream, except to say that it was haunting and powerful enough to convince me, particularly on the night before the challenge started, not to eat meat for awhile.

Day 1: Call in Sick

Challenge 1: Call in sick and drive to the beach. Take a walk barefoot in the sand.

No way! I can't do that. Was my first reaction. Then disbelief and irritation that the very first challenge was so impossible. I nearly made myself sick with anxiety at the thought and considered tossing the folded paper back into the box. Well, maybe if I go into the office early and do a few things then leave would that be cheating? When Terri woke up, she found me at the kitchen table, a wreck, head in hands, totally stressed out. She smiled when she read the challenge and helped talk me down from the ledge.

I took a big breath. It's ok. Everything will be ok. I work with capable, understanding people. Missing work today is not the end of the world. Wow, is my sense of duty and obligation to work and others excessive in an unhealthy and misguided way? Where does it come from? What am I afraid of? Letting people down? Others having to pick up my slack? Asking for help? Being/seeming irresponsible? Hmm.

So I let it go. I missed the weekly staff meeting. I went to the beach and walked barefoot in the sand instead. The sand felt good, like cool, fine sugar under my feet and between my toes. The salty air on my face and vastness of the ocean served as a reminder of the bigger, more important things in this world. Life is too beautiful and short to put such unrealistic pressure on myself.

And guess what? The office survived without me.
  
To the wise woman who submitted this challenge, thank you.

The Instructions

Today I opened the instruction envelope. Here is what is says: Congratulations on being able to let go and have others put together these 50 challenges for you! Instructions: Place this box on your nightstand Each morning when you wake up, BEFORE you get out of bed, pick a card at random. No peeking! You get what you get. Do what the card says sometime throughout the day. Before the end of the day reflect on that day's challenge and write about it.(journal included) The purpose of these daily challenges/tasks is to have you challenge yourself, maybe feel better, step out of your comfort zone, and be nice to others. Some challenges will be small, some large, some take just a few minutes or require planning, some are easy or difficult and possibly silly. We want you to enjoy your last days of your 40's and step into the 50's feeling a little bit brighter. Have fun!