Challenge Conclusion

Yesterday was the last day of the challenge. Today I turned 50. Do I feel fabulous?

The idea behind this 50 day challenge was to help me feel absolutely fabulous on my 50th birthday. The challenge itself was to perform 50 days of random acts to stretch me out of my comfort zone and welcome in more love, courage, generosity, and overall positivity.

First I want to acknowledge and thank all who took this journey with me - my wife and daughter, the ladies in the office who organized the challenge, my wise women friends who submitted the challenges, and all my friends and family members who watched from the sidelines cheering me on. It was deeply moving and unexpected that so many people followed along. As of today, nearly 2400 views from 5 different countries - as far as Iraq and South Korea.

Over the past 50 days I've ditched work, read poetry, written poetry, written lots of letters, given gifts, given compliments, fed a homeless woman, tried to be still, tried to listen, tried to ride a unicycle, tried to play guitar, tried to be silent, danced, drawn, painted, baked, smiled and so much more.

As expected, each challenge inspired me in some way. What wasn't expected was the energy the challenges created. Like a magnet drawing things in or rippling out like a stone dropped into a pond. Or maybe the challenges didn't cause the energy. Maybe this kind of energy is around me all the time in all that I do. Maybe I'm just usually not paying attention. Maybe the challenge just helped me pay attention. Whatever it was, that was the very best part of the challenge - the unexpected energy and interconnections.

My least favorite part of challenge was the blogging. I am on a computer all day at work, so I'm not one who likes to be on a computer at home. And I'm not usually one who posts frequently on Facebook. I find it a bit narcissistic. My life isn't that interesting and I just don't think people really care or need to know what I do. So sharing what I did every day was uncomfortable. I struggled with the boundaries of privacy too - how much do I share?

There was a lot I didn't share. During the past 50 days there've been some very emotional and painful things that have happened in my life. As if a much more difficult challenge was occurring behind the scenes. Some days I was so low I couldn't imagine finding the will to perform the daily challenge. And on those days, it was often doing the challenge that lifted me up out of despair and kept me going. I don't think it was a coincidence that so many challenging things happened in my life during this challenge. The universe (God? Goddess?) is powerful and acts in intentional ways that we often find mysterious. In the end, I am grateful. This challenge helped me get through some very rough patches. Looking back I can laugh at some of the irony.

On a lighter note, yes, I feel pretty darned fabulous.

Today, per Challenge 8, my friend Elizabeth took me out to lunch. I was completely surprised and delighted when we walked into the restaurant and a bunch of friends were there for a surprise birthday lunch. It was awesome. I am blessed.

My wife and daughter gave me some fabulous gifts - a super cool watch with a recycled cork band and a hot pink (my favorite color) face and a beautiful silver "everything happens for a reason" energy bracelet.

Now we're getting ready to go out to dinner with some friends.

This challenge has reminded me that I don't need to be fixed and it's OK to let go. Indeed, letting go is much more fun and life is all about having fun.

Today I am 50. Today and everyday I am fabulous.

Day 50: Find a poem that expresses your love...

Challenge Day 50: Find a poem that expresses your love for Terri and read it out loud to her.

What a perfect challenge for my last one of this 50 day challenge. I adore poetry and today's challenge means I get to read lots of love-filled poetry. What a delightful pre-birthday gift. I love to read poetry aloud to Terri while we lay in bed together at night, so that's what I'll do. There is no one poem that fully expresses my love for Terri, so I've decided upon three.

The first is the Marge Piercy poem, To Have Without Holding, one I already know well. It is very special to me because it speaks to the difficulty of being vulnerable in love. It expresses more how I've learned to love Terri and allow myself to be vulnerable. The poem expresses how you must let go in love and how scary and painful that can be.

To Have Without Holding
Marge Piercy

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

I can't do it, you say it's killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
You float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor's button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.

The next, I Do Not Love You... by Pablo Neruda is a romantic poem that expresses the sweetness and mystery of love. This is my love poem to Terri.

I do not love you...
Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.


I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.


I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

The final poem, Love Should Grow Up Like a Wild Iris in the Fields by Susan Griffin, is about the deeper, more practical love that endures when romantic love matures. This poem more than any expresses my day-to-day love for Terri - my wife, life partner, mother of my child.

Love Should Grow Up Like a Wild Iris in the Fields
Susan Griffin

Love should grow up like a wild iris in the fields,
unexpected, after a terrible storm, opening a purple
mouth to the rain, with not a thought to the future,
ignorant of the grass and the graveyard of leaves
around, forgetting its own beginning.
Love should grow like a wild iris
but does not.

Love more often is to be found in kitchens at the dinner hour,
tired out and hungry, lingers over tables in houses where
the walls record movements, while the cook is probably angry,
and the ingredients of the meal are budgeted, while
a child cries feed me now and her mother not quite
hysterical says over and over, wait just a bit, just a bit,
love should grow up in the fields like a wild iris
but never does

really startle anyone, was to be expected, was to be
predicted, is almost absurd, goes on from day to day, not quite
blindly, gets taken to the cleaners every fall, sings old
songs over and over, and falls on the same piece of rug that
never gets tacked down, gives up, wants to hide, is not
brave, knows too much, is not like an
iris growing wild but more like
staring into space
in the street
not quite sure
which door it was, annoyed about the sidewalk being
slippery, trying all the doors, thinking
if love wished the world to be well, it would be well.

Love should
grow up like a wild iris, but doesn’t, it comes from
the midst of everything else, sees like the iris
of an eye, when the light is right,
feels in blindness and when there is nothing else is
tender, blinks, and opens
face up to the skies.

Day 49: Cook lunch for co-workers with only what is in your kitchen- no going to the market.

Challenge Day 49: Cook lunch for co-workers with only what is in your kitchen- no going to the market.

Gee, what a coincidence that some of my co-workers organized the challenge and this particular challenge is to feed them. I'm not entirely sure what the personal challenge aspect is. I imagine the friend who submitted this challenge assumed I'd want make a big fuss and having to cobble together a meal from our measly at-home fare would force me let go of that. Well, honestly, I dug through the pantry looking for the easiest thing to fix. It didn't occur to me at all to go all out. I didn't even bake a dessert or even consider it. And not cooking a perfect meal didn't phase me in the least. Maybe on day 1 of the challenge I'd have reacted differently and invested a lot of effort, but by day 49, no way.

Good thing we went grocery shopping a couple days ago. Even so, with a small family, we don't have much food in large enough quantities to feed my co-workers. I started going through the pantry. Hmm, well, cans of soup, a couple cans of assorted beans, a tube of polenta, dried beans and rice, plenty of pasta and a bag of russet potatoes. In the fridge, there was the usual stuff - milk, cheese, yogurt, lots of fruits and vegetables.

I decided on baked potatoes with all the fixings, a broccoli salad, sourdough bread, and for dessert - chocolate covered pretzels and gummy worms.

I brought everything to work and popped it in the fridge then let everyone know that today's challenge was to make them lunch. At 11:00 I ran downstairs and stuck the potatoes in the oven then went back to work. At noon I threw everything together and set the table. I even put a table cloth on the table - it was the least I could do. A few co-workers couldn't stick around for lunch but our Tuesday member volunteer joined us and another member happened to be in the office at lunch time and joined us too. There were about 5 of us. It was nice to sit down together and share a meal. It was a little chilly today, so sitting in the kitchen warmed by the oven was extra cozy. Even the "gourmet" gummy worms were tasty.

Day 48: Write a love letter to Terri.

Challenge Day 48: Write a love letter to Terri

I got extremely lucky in the life partner department and count my blessings every day for having Terri in my life.

She is the most thoughtful, caring, and genuinely nice person I've ever met. We've been through so much in the nearly 34 years we've known each other. We've never stopped being friends. She's my best friend.

I wasn't romantically interested in Terri when we were teenagers. Back then nice was a turn off. The perfect date had a letterman's jacket, cool clothes, great hair, and a rad car. Terri had none of those things. It wasn't until 15 years ago that I fully realized that everything I valued and sought in a life partner was right under my nose. By that time I had learned that NICE was the very best trait.

Terri lifts me up and makes me want to be a better person. And not because she demands it, because she doesn't and because she deserves it.
Without her I wouldn't know I even had a better self. I wouldn't know I could be kind. I wouldn't know it's OK to be vulnerable. I wouldn't know it's OK to let go of control. She's an inspiring role model.

I used to think she got the short straw with 2 strong-willed, volatile, difficult women like me and Maya in her life. But Terri wouldn't have it any other way. She lives and loves for helping others. And Maya and I need her help so much. We wouldn't survive without her.

Terri taught me that happiness comes from putting others first and that strength comes from kindness and compassion. She taught me that people matter more than stuff and that the dishes can wait- friends and joy are more important.

So it warmed my heart deeply today to write a letter to Terri telling her all these reasons why I love her so much.

After she read the letter she gave me a big hug and said, "Aw, how sweet. This is the only challenge I've liked."

"

Day 47: Answer "I don't know, what do YOU think?" EVERY time someone asks you for advice or a decision. Listen to what they have to say.

Challenge Day 47: Answer "I don't know, what do YOU think?" every time someone asks you for advice or a decision. Listen to what they have to say.

Advice or decision? Is decision the same as a question? Does that mean for each question I have to say "I don't know?"

Either way, epic fail on today's challenge.

I worked today and on Sundays my job is to provide support for the worship service and help church members and visitors. This is not a good day to be telling people "I don't know".

My best chance for success with this challenge would be with my family. So I didn't tell my wife what the challenge was.

This morning at work, a church volunteer stopped me to ask where the leadership training was. Fortunately, I didn't know, so when I told her, "I don't know" it was true. But there was no way I was going to say, "I don't know, what do you think?" That would just be obnoxious.

In the office, another staff member asked me if I have employment start dates for some childcare workers. How in the world could I look at her and say, "I don't know, what do you think?" It's my job to be helpful.

Later in the car, evidently I did something (for about the millionth time) to annoy my 13-year-old. She glared at me and shrieked, "What is wrong with you!?"

"I don't know, what to you think?" I replied.

What?! You're a freak!" she responded. I have to admit, it was a freakish answer.

Maybe dinner decisions would create a better opportunity, but nope. No advice or decisions were asked of me.

I get the point of this challenge - to empower others to make decisions on their own and reinforce that they know the answers. This is something I try to do regularly with my staff and my daughter. The opportunities just didn't present themselves today.

I'm OK trying and not succeeding at today's challenge. I'll keep the spirit of the challenge in mind for other days.

Day 46: Set a chime for every hour. Write down something you like about yourself. Just a quick note but be specific.

Challenge Day 46: Set a chime for every hour. Write down something you like about yourself. Just a quick note but be specific.

Oh, I've been wondering when the "write a list of what you like about yourself" challenge was going to come. One thing I don't particularly like is that I'm not very tech savvy. I have no idea how to set a chime on my phone or even it it's possible to do. I suppose there is an app I can download for that. There's an app for everything. This morning when we were home I just set the timer on the stove.

I must confess that later in the day I did not stop and remember to write something down every hour. I would write a few things, then skip a couple hours, then write a few more. Hey, it's day 46 - I'm allowing myself a little wiggle room.

So here's the list of what I like about myself - one for each hour I was awake today:

My sense of humor
I'm reliable - you can count on me
My creativity
I love to share (food, ideas, things, whatever)
My teeth - never had a cavity and my jack-o'-lantern gaps
I don't procrastinate
My love of physical activity/sports/exercise
My drive/motivation
I'm very healthy
Self-reflective - able to identify my misbehavior and good behavior
Willingness to apologize (and I do it a lot - see above)
I like that I'm very organized
I'm handy
I love being a morning person & waking up early energized
My laugh - especially the snort laugh
My body - I'm in great physical shape
I love all kinds of food - healthy appetite -not a picky eater

I asked Terri what she likes about me and my sense of humor was the first thing she said. I asked my daughter and she just said, "Huh?" and walked away.

Day 45: Leave a little gift for a neighbor you don't know very well.

This is a thoughtful challenge and sounds like fun. We have two new neighbors on the block so it's perfect. My go-to gift is always something baked since I'm a baker. I tried the "firefighter" cookies again and they turned out perfectly this time. I baked 5 dozen cookies so there were plenty to share. In addition to the new neighbors, I gave cookies to the neighbor who helped carry my new sofa upstairs and my next door neighbor who gave me lumber for a recent project. Still warm from the oven, I put each batch in it's own little basket and wrapped it with cellophane and a ribbon and included a note. Sadly I struck out at all four houses...nobody home. So I left the baskets on the porch.
As a consolation, my daughter ate some still warm with a glass of milk when she got home and loved them.